We take on roles in the family…

family

As a child we are looking for love and acceptance.  If we can’t get the love we desire in the way that we want it (which we can’t by the way, we have such a specific criteria for receiving love from our parents that it is impossible for them to deliver no matter how hard they try, we call it perfect love in the perfect way) we search for ways to get attention, either negatively or positively, it does not really matter to us as children.

We take on roles in the family, we master these rolls and identify with them that they stay with us, later we will fill the same roll in a team at work.

Here are the rolls that tend to get filled in a family, normally it is one roll per child but there can be instances where two children fight for the same roll or where one child comes along later and displaces another.

See if you can recognize yourself in your family, your children in the family and also almost equally as important if you have a team the roll each member is reliving, this can have a dramatic effect on the quality of your employees and change the people you hire and the way you train them.

Also the names depict the type and energy, don’t get tied up with specifics, feel the energy and understand the roll. You will get a sense..

Here are the rolls..

Golden child – Gets attention by shining

The golden child gets their importance and attention from being a star.  They tend to excel at something, or just seem to shine without having to do anything particular. It’s almost like they thrive on the greatness that is bestowed upon them by those around them.  This meets the need of Significance.

As they excel they don’t notice that others around them cam feel resentful of their apparently easy earned adoration.

Black sheep – gets attention by rebelling

Although we prefer positive attention, if the roll is already taken then negative attention is an excellent substitute.

In this roll the child will attempt to be hard work, difficult to manage and rebellious.

They will often try to be and do exactly the opposite to what you tell them.

The black sheep figured out that its far easier to get attention in a negative way.

So they will make life hard for everyone and particularly themselves.  They are setting themselves up to prove how bad they are and once their parents accept that then they will work really hard to be right about it.

Lost Child – Gets attention by needing help

Emotionally different, not understanding themselves or their feelings.  Searching constantly for their place in the family and eventually in the world.  Feeling like they don’t belong or fit in.

Parents will put their attention to making them feel better, to helping them out, to support them in some way.  The more they do, the more lost they become.

Special Child – Gets attention by being special in some way

So the special child has some unique ability that stands out.  They might have some sort of disability or develop one, they may be viewed by the parents. as gifted in a particular area, all the rolls are an act, this one in particular can really play on the special part, and the performance will be enhanced.  Regardless of weather its a disability, illness of special gift they get that special limelight attention.

Clown – Gets attention by being funny, making light

They are the ones that make jokes when inappropriate.  They act as if your attention is not that important, sometimes like they don’t care.  But they do!

What to do…

You will be able to easily notice which rolls you find it easier to be with, which ones you find it easier to love.  Once you have the awareness it’s important to reward each child individually for who they are and not to get focused on the behavior of the roll.

People seem to relate better to the Clown for example than they do to the lost child.  In the end though neither act is who the person is, it is just their way of trying to get love.

Unfortunately for them the more they experience not receiving love, the more they will ramp up the act.  After all it’s all they know.

And remember you are still doing it.

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