One of the greatest things that you can do to support your relationship is to understand that your partner is not you and they never will be.
You can try to change them to be more like you but it’s not going to happen.
Remember after all that they are not just sitting around accepting you> They are trying to change you to be more like them.
So the game begins.
You may have seemingly small victories along the way where they begrudgingly accept your point of view and do it your way. There will always be a cost though that you may not be immediately aware of..
We find a lot of relationships have settled into this place.
It’s called the trade off. You do something for me and I will do something for you.
You look after the kids and I will go to work.
You have your friends over and I’ll go to the Pub.
You rub my back and we can make love. (now there’s nothing wrong with that one)
You get the picture though… And as a solution to the complex conundrum we find ourselves faced with regarding our attempt to have a great relationship it is not a bad..
Trade Off.
Here’s the thing though. It is never going to be really satisfying because you will if your honest always feel like you are selling yourself short in order to keep the piece.
Once you understand you better you will also understand other people better. This is so important in a sexy juicy passionate relationship.
Think about it for a moment, don’t you love it when you feel like you are understood? Well guess what so does your partner.
We are so busy talking and defending our point of view that we have become bad listeners. Therefore we never really take the time to understand either us or anybody else.
So during the time we have been working with couples we have come to realize that behind every action, every pattern of behavior there is a motivation. At an deep level we can link that motivation back to our basic needs which I have or will cover in another section.
We call these motivation Personal Identifiers.
Things about ourselves they we identify with as being who we are.
You know if someone asked someone what you were like? They would go ahead and describe you. They may start with your looks and then they would move on to your personality your main prominent points of your character.
Well in the same way there are only so many different heights, colour hair or body types for example there are only so many different Personal identifiers.
There are many subtle different combinations, essentially though a person with similar Personal identifiers will have similar patterns to someone else with the same identifiers.
You will also find that there is a distinct pattern in the type of person a particular identifier will pick as a partner.
And you will find there is a pattern to the problems each pair of identifiers experiences.
Over the years there have been many different ways and forms of personality typing people, one of our favorites is the Enneagrams, there is also Disc profiling and Myers Briggs and then there is a host of others that are designed specifically for business.
Ours is more aimed at the individual and specifically the impact that each Personal Identifier has in a relationship.
So here are a few for you to observe to get you going, begin to notice which you are and which you partner is. Often opposites attract but not always.
Are you a…..
- Connector or an Isolator.
- Spontaneous or A planner
- Assertive or Sensitiv
- Negative or Positive
- Optimistic or A realist.
These are some of the more obvious ones. Once you begin to understand them you will see many of your conflicts arise from these fundamental Identifiers.
As you become aware you can begin to have conversation and gently inquire into the motivation that is driving the action. Instead of blindly trying to change it because you do not like it and it makes you uncomfortable.
Simply understanding your partner and you will bring you closer together and release some of the tension that can easily build up when two different identifiers come together.
And the truth is we are with each other so we can learn form each other, not so we can fight and defend.
Gail has been gently supporting me to be more spontaneous over time. Its been fun and exciting and I’d be lying if I did not say a little scary and challenging at times.
Doing it with her support, love and understanding though has made it possible.
Get to know yourself and your partner and then support each other on your journey.