I’m Sorry to say…Your relationship is a traffic jam waiting to happen!!!
Sorry to be so negative and blunt, I know the truth can hurt but it can also set you free.
Knowing it and ignoring it or resisting it just makes it worse. Pretending that it is not an issue does not help and comparing yourself to other peoples faltering relationship and surmising yours is ok in comparison is ludicrous.
Our relationships are like traffic jams waiting to happen.
Take any major city in the world and the scenario is the same, the people come and the traffic builds up over time, everyone one knows it is happening but no one takes any action to do anything about it. Mostly this is because the problem is not big enough to warrant spending the money it would take to fix.
So it gets put off. Put off until such time arises where it can’t be put off any longer, it has got so bad something must be done.
The problem is they left it so long they are now playing catch up, they didn’t maintain the situation and in their inaction they have got behind.
So what do they do? They begin to add more lanes, the road works cause more of a hold up than before and the worse thing is they don’t add enough lanes.
By the time it is finish the traffic has doubled again and they need to add even more lanes with even more hold ups, which cause even more frustrations.
The cycle continues, take the M25 around London for instance a fantastic idea and a great motorway that has helped traffic flow so much. The only problem was that it was too little too late. By the time it was finished they immediately started roadwork’s adding lanes and they have not stopped since. And that has been going on since 1975.
And the thing is you did not notice it was a problem till it was too late, you drive to work every day thinking that it takes the same amount of time, and everyday or week you end up one more car back at the traffic lights, it takes a moment longer to get to work. It all happens slowly and you don’t notice until one day you realize you have to leave half an hour earlier than you use to.
Your relationship is the same, unlike the roads though which are largely out of your control, your relationship however is not. You must take action before the problem gets so big you can’t fix it. Believe me that will happen quicker than you think.
One of the major contributing factors to this scenario is one of the best things about your relationship. At first it is just bliss, they are perfect, you are so overwhelmed with feelings of love that you can’t ever imagine anything happening that would get in the way.
Here’s the thing though that you know is true, the so-called honeymoon period does not last. After that it is just not the same, you make the best of it and have good times, at the end of the day if your honest with yourself you are always wanting to return to those initial few months or years if you were lucky. You want those feelings back.
Most of the time we end up asking ourselves how come they changed where is the person I fell in love with. How could I have been so wrong about them, I should’ve listened to my mother!
I have only ever seen a handful of long-term relationships that are inspirational. The rest are either over or just putting up with the struggle making the most of it.
The divorce rate is running between 50-70% depending on what part of the world you are in and the ones that stay together are getting their needs met everywhere accept with their partner.
The problem is that you won’t get out of your own way to let the relationship flourish, you won’t give up your own point of view for the good of the relationship.
We call it putting your relationship first, and this does not mean sacrificing yourself. You must take care of you, you can’t do what you need in the relationship if you are not good, it does mean not being selfish though.
Your relationship is essentially a series of patterns of behavior and patterns of communication. In many many cases those patterns are limiting at best and totally destructive to a relationships survival at worst.
Here’s the deal we can look at a relationship and with a 90% degree of accuracy predict how successful that relationship will be. It’s not about being negative it is simply about acknowledging some simple truths. Relationships cannot survive and be healthy if there are certain patterns running.
So consequently we see relationships and notice two lovely people who are or who want to be in love. Then we see them running patterns that are going to cause a major issue in their relationship. We know because we have seen the pattern before in a relationship and we have seen the result of running that pattern.
It’s almost mathematical by design, if you add 2 + 2 you will come up with 4. It’s a pattern that creates a certain result every time. Your patterns are no different. Everything you feel and do, anything you suffer with is because of the patterns you are running.
Couple 1 – desire for appreciation
He had come along way from the lack of confidence he had and the feelings of anxiety. He was however still struggling with carrying some of the things he thought were negative from his previous relationship. As we dug deeper one of the issues was that he felt that he was not appreciated enough. He kept approaching and arguing for his new partner to appreciate him more. She stated she had a problem with his ‘need’ for appreciation. They began to argue. They got to the point where sadly they did not want to deal with the issue any longer, and essentially did what so many people do and swept it under the carpet pretending that it wasn’t really an issue.
On the face of it there is nothing wrong with wanting appreciating or with appreciating someone you love, in fact I would encourage it. Men are hard wired for appreciation, and we teach women that they need to appreciate their man more. The problem is that, as a fixated pattern that your happiness is dependent on it will be met with more and more resistance. It is more pressure than a person can take in a relationship. Over time resentment built and they argued more pushing the actual problem into the background so they did not have to deal with it.
The desire for appreciation in this case as in most instances was related to his past and issues growing up never feeling appreciated or good enough. It had nothing to do with an intimate relationship. Until he is ready to deal with the actual arising issue it will continue to be a problem in his current situation. As it had already in his mind been the cause of one relationship break up the writing is already unfortunately on the wall for every relationship after that.
Couple 2 – lack of intimacy & sexual intimacy
A couple was having issues with intimacy and sexual intimacy. He wanted her to open up to him more, and as is the case in most relationships one partner wants sex more often than the other. In this case it was the guy, contrary to what you may think it can often be the woman who has the higher sex drive.
His pattern of constantly wanting more sex from his partner was causing her to feel like she needed to shut down any show of affection toward him incase he misread the signs and thought he was in for some action that day or night.
Slowly she shut down that side of herself and they drifted apart. The more she shut down the more upset he got and the angrier he became.
He slowly drew away, and started to tip the balance to ‘giving up in the relationship’ vs ‘wanting to come together and grow their relationship’. As is the case in all relationships when we are not getting our needs met it is easier to look elsewhere for short term satisfaction rather than face the reality of the situation. Perhaps he turned to masturbation, drink, work or other women to get his needs met. It could be anything that appears easier, less satisfying and fulfilling – just easier. Then in turn she will turn to family, work, and friends or perhaps a fling with someone else.
And again if that pattern does not get dealt with it will cause a hole in the relationship. We have to be willing to look at what is driving our own behavior and then remove the negative emotional anchor from the past and that will result in the cessation of the pattern.
That takes discipline and courage; the results are truly satisfying over the long term versus a temporary Band-Aid like drink.
Couple 3 – she’s in her masculine and he’s in little boy (a feminine state for a man)
Due to some child hood issues that she had experienced it was extremely important to her to be dominant to be in control in the relationship. Of course she searched out a man who was happy to be looked after and taken care off, we call this a little boy state. You’ll recognize this as you would often here women say ‘well I have 3 kids, not just 2’ meaning they are counting their partner as a child.
As there relationship progressed she stepped up more into a Masculine roll or state and he stepped down into a more little boy or Feminine state.
At the end of the day she was just to scared to let go of what she needed to (going vulnerable with her man) and drop into her natural flow and beauty that is the Feminine and he did not have the necessary balls that it takes to step up and go first.
The thing to realize is that the event she had decided she needed to be strong to avoid happening again had happened when she was a little girl and she was in no danger from her husband of it happening again. However because she had never disengaged from the emotion of the event she was till carrying it and living it.
They lived this unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationship where he was in the Feminine and she was in the Masculine.
This is one of the major distinctions that we need to get right in order for you to have a successful relationship.
Eventually they become so fed up with each other they split up.
Obviously there are many success stories as couples learn the steps necessary to have a sexy juicy passionate relationship. I have focused on three couples that outline a particular pattern of behavior. We see these patterns too often with couples – and hence the journey through mentoring and ongoing support to work with them to have the relationship of their dreams.
Emphasizing that any relationship that has patterns like this running is unfortunately and sadly on a downward staircase to nowhere.
There are many other patterns that cause similar issues this is highlighting a few to make a point that although I can’t tell you your relationship needs work, you do have a limiting patterns running now, they will get worse not better unless you take action to change it at the root.
Its your job to spot it and take action before its too late and all of a sudden you find your stuck in a traffic jam that you end up sitting in day after day because there is nowhere to go.